Its been a while

Well its been a while since I've visited here, partly because I have been in mourning.

right at the 11th hour in my custody case, where I knew I had a great chance, my attorney informed me that the judge instructed him that even if I prevailed I would have to pay her attorney fees in excess of $20 thousand dollars! Well I don't have that kind of money, and knew that if I got stuck with that, I would be putting my family at risk, it was a heart wrenching decision. So we agreed to settle. She kept custody and we significantly modified the visitation schedule. Which she continues to ignore and violate. But in this state there is nothing I can do. I don't have the financial resources to haul her into court each time she violates the order, and there is no other way to force her to comply. So after two and a half years of fighting in court, I still got screwed and the children got it worse.

Welcome to America where the courts punish Dads who are trying to do the right thing and reward pathetic moms simply because they are female.

Now that's off my chest, I hope to use this blog for encouragement of other dads out there who miss their kids and are doing all you can to be a part of their life. It is difficult at times, when the custodial mother does everything they can to intercede on your relationship. When you are thousands of miles away and can't even get a phone call through, when you are isolated and out of touch. What ever the reason, your heart breaks and you miss your children. I hope I will be able to find resources to put here that will help you be the best dad you can be.

The End is Here

Well, last Thursday we went to court to finalize the custody situation with my children, unfortunately I did not prevail in my case of gaining custody of my children. However, we were able to acquire substantial gains. The specifics obviously I can't speak to here. Suffice it to say that the situation with the children will improve and their future looks brighter.

While I am sad that I do not have custody, I am comforted that I know and they know that I did all I could to insure them a brighter future and a more secure future.

I will continue with this blog to help all other Dad's to there who are in similar situations, and who are facing the trials and pains of being away from their children.

Tomorrow

Well unless something changes, tomorrow is the day I go to my custody hearing. I am as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Everything I've been hoping for for 10 years comes to fruition tomorrow. My attorney tells me not to get my hopes up, my gut tells me to be cautiously optimistic. Frankly I am scared to death! Your prayers are appreciated as we seek to save our children from the situation their in, I pray that the Judge will hear our pleas, see the situation for what it is and do the right thing.

I'll post again when I know something - unfortunately the judge has 30 days to issue his ruling so who knows when he will rule.

Counting the days

Thirteen days and counting until the custody hearing. I am anxious, nervous, excited, hopeful, scared, you name it the emotions are racing through my veins.

At least I will see my son for the next two weeks. He is coming tonight and will be with me when we go to court. My daughter whom I haven't seen since January will not be coming again. Another violation of the court order - over 150 violations of the order and counting. We will see what the judge does with this. I am not too hopeful he will do much. As we Dads know, we are quickly held in contempt for the slightest thing, the mothers can violate the order at will with no consequenses. We will see if it holds true. I am hopeful the Judge will see the disregard for the authority of the court and at least do something. The children need to see that you cannot disregard the court and there be no consequences.

That being said; it is my prayer that the Judge will see the situation for what it is, and allow me to gain custody of my children. Your prayers are coveted.

I will probably not write on here until the hearing is over - But I will say for all the Dad's out there who are in a similar situation, remember to keep the faith and realize that win or loose, you are doing the right thing.

Date is set

After nearly 18 months, of waiting, I finally have a hearing date set. Those who have been following understand that I am in the middle of a custody battle to save my children, to try and rescue them from a difficult situation. I am relieved that finally a date is set and we will be going to court this summer. 

Attorneys should inform us of how long this process is before we start, it is taxing, and emotionally draining to wait and watch as your children suffer, it is frustrating and exhausting to have to abide and be patient while the law is so against you simply because of the chromosomes you carry. But the date is set, and hopefully, prayerfully the judge hearing this case will see the situation for what it is and rule in our favor. - I am counting the days, preparing myself for let-down and excitement, for transition and adjustment to what ever the outcome. Your prayers are coveted. 

New Book for PAS

While this new book was not written for specifically Dad's I am compelled to write about it. As referenced many times on this Blog, Dr. Amy J. Baker has again published a book about PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) This new book co-authored with Dr. Katherine Andre is targeted towards Middle school children currently going through this horrible dilemma in their lives. The title is: I Don't Want to Choose: How Middle School Kids Can Avoid Choosing One Parent Over The Other.

While I have not read this book yet, it comes to us at a critical time - when my middle school son is in the middle of our custody struggle. He finds himself completely torn in this situation, and the longer it goes on the more torn he feels. I plan to get the book soon and read it so I can know how we can best help him deal with the issues he is facing while we await a trial and verdict on his behalf and afterwards.

Dr. Baker continues to push the bounds of this issue of PAS and with her help and dedication, hopefully in the very near future, we will see less and less of this behavior from parents who are seeking vengeance at the long term detriment of their children. And Courts that are willing to listen and make verdicts in favor of the alienated parent.

The Book can be purchased for $10.95 at: www.amyjbaker.com

The Holiday Season

This time of year is definitely the most difficult time of year for us who are seperated from our children, whether serving our country over seas, working away or a non-custodial parent, we are not there for these momentous occasions and it hurts.

There is no magic remedy that I can offer to ease the pain and heartache, there is nothing I can say that will make it easier. For me, I just try and enjoy what I do have and not dwell on what I am missing, choosing rather to focus on the future, and the times I do have with them.

I hope and pray that this season will be full of joy and excitement as you spend time with your children, if you will miss this Christmas, please know that in years to come, the times you do have will be more special. It is the quality of time we have with our children not necessarily the quantity, while I would love to have both, I must adjust to what is real. Give God the praise for all we do have, and harbor not hatred or frustration, rather hold your children close to your heart, in your mind and in your memories. Make special plans to rejoice when you do see them.

Peace

Coping with Omissions

Last night I attending an event where my daughter was in a school pageant. She is a freshman at her high school. During the announcement of her she was introduced as: Here is Hannah, she is the daughter of (mothers Name) she is a freshman and etc, etc, no mention of her father.

This is at least the 8Th time this has occurred. I have confronted this with her mother on several occasions, she has two parents, two parents who love her and support her. There i sit in the stands cheering her on, and am completely omitted. The sad thing is that while this hurts me, it hurts Hannah more. She is embarrassed by this, and can be ridiculed by it. Her mother does not seem to care about the damage this does to Hannah. Sadly, her motives of hurting me always out weigh the motive of doing what is best for the children.

I did not say anything, it does not do any good. In the past when I mentioned it to Hannah, her response was that her mother did that. And I know she is right.

Yes it hurts, to drive over 100 miles to support her and not that I expected to be recognized, but I should have been recognized as her daddy.

The alienation continues, and only the children suffer.

If this happens to you, do not discuss it with the children, discuss it with the parent, and if possible, get there early and discuss it with the event planner and make sure your name is included. - Better to get an audio tape of the event for proof later. Which I did.

Fighting for your rights!

As a father who does not have custody it is a constant battle to get what I am entitled to by the courts from the custodial parent. Basic things that we are granted are never provided. Such as; medical information on our children, prescriptions, records, glasses, etc. Education information; from the schools and teachers, much less the other parent. It is a constant battle.

The best advice I can give really sucks, but it is all I know to do. My state grants me these rights, and I am constantly battling to get them. My oldest daughter is in high school and I have contacted the school for weekly updates on her progress, Only one teacher is providing this. Their mother is not providing it at all. If she is struggling in school I should know so I can see if i can provide any assistance, and try and instill in her the importance in her education. What can I do to ensure I get this information? I send emails, letters to the school and still nothing. The next step is to escalate. Which I will be doing shortly. Escalate to the superintendent, and to the principal. I should have this information, and it should be provided. My wife is a teacher and she has several students that she has to send out information to the parents on a weekly basis. I know it is my right. But getting it done is another thing.

Same with medical records, I am entitled to the medical records of my children, yet their mother refuses to send them to me. How am I to know what is going on if it is refused? Where are the courts in this. This is a violation of the law and yet the law does nothing.

As frustrating as it is, the only recourse I am afforded is to hire a lawyer and get a trial date and try and force it. It is expensive and everyone will have to look at this for themselves, but it is ridiculous that we must do this to get what is our right.

Fight for them, while it may seem like a loosing battle, when they are grown, they will see the truth for themselves, and they will know the truth.

Quality vs. Quantity

Like many dads who are not involved in the lives of their children everyday, I struggle with the time we do have and hurting the same children we are trying to protect. Recently my son was approached to play in a fall baseball league, he was very excited to be asked. We discussed this at length, and I am struggling with the decision. If I agree for him to play, I will miss a lot of our time together, since he will practice on Saturdays and play tournaments on weekends. This could lead me to seeing him only sparingly. If I do not allow him to play because of these reasons, he views me as someone stopping him from doing something he really wants to do. This is the familiar "no win" situation non-custodial dads are always placed in.

How do we rationalize these issues? How do we allow them to do some things and still not miss the valuable time we have with them. In trying to look at from his view point, I relented and allowed him to attend the tryouts. I am not sure what will become of it, But if he makes the team, that will mean that I will have to travel A LOT and see him significantly less. We talked about this in detail, and he understands my concerns and I think he understands how important this time is to me, I can only hope that in years to come he will appreciate this sacrifice.

There is no right answer to this, you have to do what you can and what you think is right for your individual situation. But in the time we will have we will have to make the most of it as best we can.

Parental Ailenation Syndrome (PAS)

Dr. Baker shared with me a link to a website dealing with Parental Ailenation and Parental Ailenation Syndrome. 

The difference between these as I understand them are: Parental Ailenation is the process of one parent ailenating the child (ren) from the other parent. 

Parental Ailenation Syndrome are the effects this has on the child. The child(ren) will suffer from PAS. WHile the parent is engaging in PA. 

I hope this helps.

Here is the link:    http://www.pasattorney.com

Custody Issues and the Law

Couples sometimes neglect opportunities to amicably resolve disputes when involved in the emotion and stress of separation and divorce. This is especially true in matters of parenting and child custody. If the two parties are willing to work together and avoid the courtroom, mediation can be a more favorable option, but in many cases, both parties feel strongly that they are the more suitable parent. In such cases, parties rely on an impartial judge to decide the case based on the facts. Before taking your child custody case before a judge, know what factors help you build your case, while avoiding pitfalls.

Building Your Case

The only guarantee in a custody battle is that no one truly wins. During trial, the opposing party will attempt to pinpoint aspects in which you may have seemingly failed as a parent, even when you believe that you have done the best job possible. When you have made poor choices in some areas, your hope is to convince the judge that those choices do not prevent you from being viewed as the best caretaker for the child(ren). The following steps can help as you prepare your case for custody:

1) Know your role

Simply wearing the title of "mother", "father", or "grandparent" will not hold weight in the courtroom. Be able to prove that you are the better parent. Aside from a title, you will be expected to define your role in the child's life. Consideration will be given to the amount of "waking time" you spend with your child on a daily basis, so be prepared to discuss what you do on any given day or weekend with the child(ren). Providing an account of meaningful experiences that you have given your child(ren) will only help your cause.

2) Keep good records

Possessing a strong feeling of love and responsibility for your child is not enough. When preparing for a custody trial, make an effort to document what you do for your child(ren). Be prepared to give an account as to how much financial, spiritual, educational, emotional, and physical support you provide. It may be wise to keep a journal noting instances that you think your attorney or the judge may find helpful. Judges are more interested in what you do, as opposed to hearing an account of what the other party does not do.

3) Do your homework - literally.

If your case involves school aged children, know that questions may arise related to school performance and attendance. Being able to demonstrate a history or pattern of positive involvement in your child's education is a plus. Good indicators include Parent-Teacher Association (PTA) involvement, attendance at parent-teacher conferences, and a record of communication with the school related to your child.

Pitfalls

After a brief overview of ways to build your case, the following list represents situations to avoid if possible:

1) Do not assume

Never assume that the judge will favor you over the opposing party due to gender, financial stability, or any other surface related factor. Custody is simply about the question of which party provides the child(ren) with the likelihood of growing up in the best environment. Custody is a matter of character.

2) Playing the blame game

Many have heard the saying, "Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies even closer." In custody matters it is important that you not seem overly critical or fault finding toward the opposing party. Both parents have a stake in the outcome of the case. If it appears that you are unwilling to work with the other party or consider his/her needs, the judge may view this negatively. Besides, if the case is not decided in your favor, the other party may be more willing to accommodate your needs if they feel less attacked during the custody process. Remember, it is more about what you do as a parent, and less about what the other parent does not do.

3) People in your circle

Not everyone who has access to you needs to have access to your child(ren). Far too often, parents are judged by the company they keep. Involvement in numerous or unstable friendships and relationships can negatively impact the way a judge views your ability to provide a safe and stable environment conducive for raising children.

4) Habits that die hard

In a custody case, the past will return to haunt you. It is not okay to be dependent upon or casually accustomed to drugs and alcohol. Nothing speaks more toward losing a custody case than drug, sexual, and/or physical abuse. Again, these issues speak to the character of the individual, and judges frown heavily upon such negative habits.

For more tips and information regarding child custody, consult a family law attorney in your area. The Law Offices of Alesia M. Vick is available to assist individuals with North Carolina child custody and family law related matters.

Keeping the Records

In my situation, where I know that my ex spouse is working diligently to alienate my children from me, one of the best pieces of advice I have received is the record keeping. While this is tedious and at times seems to be a waste of time, the detail of the records, and the extent that I keep them will one day help me to heal the relationship with my children.

It is my belief and hope that by keeping all documentation of ALL of the events, that when my children are adults I will be able to show them all of the things I did to try and strengthen my relationship with them and it was mostly convoluted with lies and innuendos. Documentation is key to all situations, if you are ever considering going back to court you will need all of the documentation you can come up with, while one event here and one event there will not convince a judge - dozens or hundreds of events will show a pattern of alienation and disregard for the court orders. In my case my ex-spouse is constantly ignoring the court orders, by not making the children available on my weekends, she is not allowing me to see them, speak to them and always schedules conflicts on my weekends. By documenting this it is my hope that in time, the court will see this behavior and make changes.

If not, at least I will have the information to show the children in due time so they can see for themselves how I have tried to be active in their lives and what walls i continued to run into.

Hang tough and document, document and document. It is for your sanity and for theirs when they see the truth.

Keeping Close in the distance

One of the most difficult things to do when we are away from our children is to try and remain close to them despite the distance. There are several methods to aid in this, and we should try them all.

Some easy ways are telephone calls, call every time you can, even as in my case, when I call and I never get an answer and never a return call. Call them and leave messages. Email, with the children today using email more and more, we can email them regularly. (even when we do not get answers) and sending cards and letters.

In my case their mother filters all correspondence and it is difficult. I send emails and she reads and deletes them. i call and leave messages and she does not pass them along. I send letters and cards and she reads them and discards them. But I try.

By keeping copies of these to show them the correspondence it is possible- at some point to show them your efforts.

Stay with it, keep it up, some of it may get through and if it does it will continue to remind them that you have not forgotten them.

Staying true to the process

Many times I find that I get very frustrated with the legal process, its seemingly bias slant towards custody with mom's regardless of their abilities. I get frustrated with the laws that are written to protect against "dead beat dads" and therefore punish those of us that try and be good dads and are involved in the lives of our children. I find that the more I try and get involved the more difficult it is. With the distance between me and my children, it is very difficult to be at every event, every game, practice, recital, etc. And when I try to make it to these events, I am not allowed any time with my children. "It is not your weekend" or "This is not your scheduled time." and it goes on and on.

By trying to stay true to our legal allowed time, we build the relationship over time, regardless of how difficult and painful it is at times, I keep reminding myself that the small things I do now will pay dividends later. Assuming that all of us live to older ages, we will have a much longer relationship with our children as adults than we will as children. Knowing this I try and build traditions and activities around things we can do regardless of age. I try and spend time with them doing things we can still do when they are adults.

For example, my son loves to fish and hunt, so we spend a lot of our time together doing these activities, and I take the opportunity to remind him that this is good time, and that when he is older and I am just plain old, I will no longer be taking him fishing but he can take me.

It is all I have to hold on to, missing the things now hurt but cannot be helped. But by trying to establish these traditions will enable us to have something we can do together when he is an adult and we can carry these through other generations.

Enjoy the time you do have

This week I have the opportunity to have all of my children with me, I was unable to get my oldest two earlier in the summer due to conflicts but for this week we are all together. While I still have to work, because I was unable to get the whole week off. I still try and enjoy the time we do have together.

It is hard, with the ailenation that is taking place with them, with all of the stories and the untruths being told to them about me. But I see this time as invaluable, as time with them that I can spend with them and time they can spend with their brother and sisters. It is hard, knowing that the days are ticking and soon they will return to their mother's and the same old system will envelope us again. But for now, they are here, and I will enjoy this time with them as much as I can. I will cherish each moment, and each opportunity to spend with them.

I hope that when you have the opportunity to spend time with your children, you will embrace those special moments as quality time. As time that you have to share some of yourself and learn more of them. I hope that as you spend time with your children, you will hold dear those moments and reflect on them in the days and weeks to come. It is fleeting, it may not be fair, but they too need this time, whether they want to admit it or not. It is good for them to be with you and to have their daddy if only for a few days. Cherish it.

Military Dads

For all of the dads out there that are missing the summer with their children because they are serving their country. Let me say a big Thank you for all you are doing to serve this country. I for one am proud of the job you are doing, and for the service you are giving to this country. We who are stateside cannot understand the magnitude of commitment you are making. missing your families and your "lives" while you are away serving.

Be safe, and again Thank you for your job well done.

More on Parental Alienation

As mentioned earlier, Dr. Amy J. Baker has done extensive research in this area, her website is worth checking out you can find it at: www.amyjbaker.com. You will find contact information, but also information about her research and books she has written to assist victims and adult victims who grew up in this environment and how to heal.

I recommend anyone who is or has experienced Parental Alienation on any level to visit this site it is worth your time to visit and the papers and books are worth reading.

Thanks to Dr. baker for her work in this area, and we look forward to future assistance from her and others in this area.

What should you do if you suspect the other parent is trying to aileniate your child?

If you are a parent who is a victim of parental alienation syndrome, it may have struck without warning and you are wracking your brain trying to figure out what happened. Many alienated parents find it difficult to control their anger and hurt over being treated so poorly by their child and ex-spouse.

Experts on alienation suggest the following ways to cope with the problem:

• Try to control your anger and stay calm and in control of your own behavior.
• Keep a log of events as they happen, describing in detail what happened and when.
• Always call or pick up your child (children) at scheduled times, even when you know the child won't be available. This is likely painful, but you must be able to document to the court that you tried to see your child and were refused.
• During time spent with your children, focus on positive activities and reminisce with your child about previous good times you had together.
• Never discuss the court case with your child.
• Try not to argue with or be defensive with your children. Focus on talking openly about what your children is actually seeing and feeling, as opposed to what the children is being told is the truth.
• Work on improving your parenting skills by taking parenting courses, reading parenting books, etc. so that you can be the best possible parent to your child.
• If possible, get counseling for your child, preferable with a therapist trained to recognize and treat parental alienation syndrome. If its not possible to get your child counseling, go to counseling yourself to learn how to react to and counteract the problem.
• Don't do anything to violate the court orders or otherwise be an undesirable parent. Pay your child support on time and fulfill your parenting obligations to the letter.
• Don't react to the alienation behavior by engaging in alienating behavior towards your ex-spouse. This just makes things worse and further harms the child.
• If you are not getting your court-ordered time with your child, go back to court and ask that the parent be held in contempt of court. The sooner the court knows about the violation of the court order, the more likely the problem can be stopped before it becomes permanent and irreversible. If your custody order is not specific as to exact times and dates you are to be with your children, ask the court to make the order very specific so there can be no doubt what is required.
• Try not to blame your child. Your children did not create the situation, and desperately needs your love and affection.
  

It is my hope that this series on Parental Alienation Syndrome has helped some of you out there that are suffering as I am from this terrible situation. I know what it is like to experience this. When I first read this, I realized that almost every bullet point was an exact match of what is going on with my children. Hopefully it is not too late and we can salvage some sort or relationship with my children. If you have comments of questions you can contact me directly on the blog under the link to the left. More to come in the future about this terrible abuse that is occurring more than many of us realize.

Parental Ailenation: What to look for in your child

A child who has been successfully alienated:

• Will bad-mouth the other parent with foul language and inaccurate descriptions of the other parent.
• Offer only weak or frivolous reasons for his or her anger toward the targeted parent.

• Professes to have only hatred toward the targeted parent, and cannot say anything positive about them.
  
• Insists that he or she is solely responsible for the attitude toward the other parent, and that the alienating parent had nothing to do with his or her attitude.

• Supports and feels protective toward the alienating parent.

• Doesn't show any empathy or guilt regarding hurting the targeted parent's feelings.

• Doesn't want anything to do with the targeted parent's friends and family.

• May not want to see or talk to the alienated parent.

FOOTNOTE:

Dr. Amy J. Baker has done extensive research in this are and has some great information on her website: www.amyjbaker.com. More information on her research will be coming soon.